hitchhike-thru-7-ODIs for Dummies

A blog by Donthaveaclue

The test series done, it’s business-as-usual in India as a seven-match ODI series kicks off and before you know it, the home-team is two-nil ahead.

For as long as I remember, there have been two versions of the English team.
One, that could be mistaken to be almost competitive against most teams except Australia, and the second version, that touches down in India every few years.

This version gets rolled over by 2nd string domestic sides in warm-up games, has roughly a third of their squad down with a stomach bug by the second week and key batsmen successfully disguising themselves as walking wickets. They usually also have one name, never more, on their roster who proceeds to send down over after over of ramrod straight deliveries while having paid off the graphics department of the production house to put “Right-arm off spin”, “Left-arm orthodox” or similar designation against his name. They then proceed to make a couple of supremely lucky players look like Bradman, or better yet, Vinod Kambli.

Allowing for boredom, complacency and a few coin-tosses, the series should comfortably go India’s way, done by the 5th or 6th game followed by an inconsequential game or two to end the series 4-3. Now, I reckon cricket needs seven match ODI series much like a man lost in the middle of the desert and dying of thirst needs a lawnmower with a built-in space heater.

But if I was a cocky South African with a reputation to maintain (some IPL sales pitches to be made) and an English team to lead, here are a few things I’d do:

Send in the enforcer:

I have nothing against the likes of Bell, Shah, Patel or Bopara, but if there’s one guy who’s going to win you games on unhelpful tracks in hot weather against flat-track bullies, its Andrew Flintoff. Bowl him first, bat him at 4, the longer Freddie’s in the action, the better England’s chances.

“Look ma, two feet!”:

Excerpt from English coaching manual “…there are two ways to play spin, to either lunge forward with bat and pad together or run down the track with a yell of “Geronimo!” to hit it into orbit. Except if the bowler is a suspiciously thick-haired blond, plan for the shortest route back to the dressing room…” Be decisive with the feet, and know that the weird blond guy is probably only Sreesanth breakdancing on the boundary rope.

It’s not the chicken tikka stupid!

Don’t order baked beans for room service and then blame the morsel of Indian food you had a week ago for your gastroenteritis. We like to actually taste our food, so any cans the chef rummaged in the back of the freezer for were probably left behind by departing regiments of colonists

Tally Ho!

donthaveaclue’s own website: Outside Edge

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4 Comments to “hitchhike-thru-7-ODIs for Dummies”

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thanks Andruid,

of course,
I didn’t think of that -
it would have made more sense -
and be more interesting to have a triangular series.

©hinamanNo Gravatar said this on November 26th, 2008 at 5:46 pm

if they wanted to play 7 ODIs so badly why did they not invite a third team?

andruidNo Gravatar said this on November 26th, 2008 at 4:25 pm

hitchhike-thru-7-ODIs for Dummies | The “silly points”…

A blog by donthaveaclue: on how to survive a 7!!! match series - if one is the english captain
cricket needs seven match ODI series much like a man lost in the middle of the desert and dying of thirst needs a lawnmower with a built-in space heater. Bu…

rambhai.com said this on November 26th, 2008 at 1:11 pm

never ending series, too right donthaveaclue,
and its 4-0 - series decided yet 3 more matches to play

good as practise matches but meaningless as ‘internationals’ -
I, for one, will not be setting my alarm clock.

©hinamanNo Gravatar said this on November 26th, 2008 at 1:02 pm